GirleeN's Blog

These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I like every bone in your body especially mine.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays

If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Can I have fries with that shake!

I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!

I'd look good on you.

When does your centerfold come out.

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

You have nice legs. What time do they open?

Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!

Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

Like the varieties of mango such as Malgova , Neelam , Alphonso; in today's world we get to see a varieties of men such as metrosexual, retrosexual, homosexual and ubersexual. After all man is a sexual being, so what's the big deal in giving him titles. After all, he is only bothered about food , sex and women. But these labels have an applied dimension. There are not just labels but well chalked out institutions catering to the different ideologies of men.

The word "übersexual&quo t; (from German über = above, superior and Latin sexus = gender) is a neologism for a patriarchal conception of masculinity. It is a variant of metrosexual, in that the male is "refined", but contains more of an implication of confidence and traditional notions of manhood than the former term. However the authors of the book, Future of Men, who coined the term "übersexuality& quot; argue that the übersexual is not derivative of the metrosexual man. The authors are Marian Salzman, Ira Matathia and Ann O'Reilly. The future of men, proclaim the authors, is "not to be found in the primped and waxed boy who wowed the world with his nuanced knowledge of tweezers and exfoliating creams. Men, at the end of the day, will have to rely on their intellect and their passion, their erudition and professional success, to be acknowledged and idealised in contemporary society. The men leading this charge are ubersexuals. According to Salzman, "Ubersexuals are the most attractive (not just physically), most dynamic, and most compelling men of their generations. They are confident, masculine, stylish, and committed to uncompromising quality in all areas of life."

Salzman adds, "He doesn't care what people think. He's not worried that people think he's gay. He knows he's straight, and that's all that matters."

He is, however, concerned with quality. Ubersexuals, co-author Ira Matathia says, strive for "excellence in everything. Fine wine, good cigars, understanding the finer things. That's sort of quintessentially it."

Called the 'übersexual'-a degree of greatness and perfection, an acknowledgment that this is an evolved species of man-he is so perfect as to leave little margin for error and fallacy."

Examples of those who could be defined as übersexuals include George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Jon Stewart, Diddy, Jay-Z and Bono of the rock band U2, or other such liberal men were all named as top übersexuals. 

Being a metrosexual was the in-thing last year. Sporting floral shirts, cuticle creams, waxed chests is the ritual of the metrosexual man. However the retrosexual man believes in the power of being super attractive devoid all this cosmetic tools.

There are striking differences between an ubersexual and metrosexual. Ubersexuals are passionate about business, politics and global affairs .Metrosexuals are passionate about themselves. Go ahead, just ask them! Ubersexuals respect and like women, but prefer the company of men. Metrosexuals consider women to be among their best (and only) friends. Ubersexuals follow their experience and reason.Metrosexuals follow Manish Malhotra , Upen Patel and the whole bunch of Indian male models . Ubersexuals shave daily, if need be. Metrosexuals can tell you the exact time of their next Brazilian. And when it comes to obsessions, Ubersexuals are obsessed with quality and trust. Metrosexuals are obsessed with their chest hair.

The day of the metrosexual man has met his death. There is no place for the selfish , self-obsessed metrosexual. Exit the pretentious brain dead metrosexual and enter the suave ubersexual.

• Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
• Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
• Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
• Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 
• Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
• Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
• Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
• Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
• Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
• Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
• Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
• Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
• Women think all beer is the same.
• Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
• Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. 
• If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
• Women brush their hair before bed.
• Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
• Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
• Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
• Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
• Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 
• The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
• Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 
• Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
• Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
• Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
• PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
• The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
• Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. 
• Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 
• 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
• Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
• Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
• All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
• If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
• Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
• Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
• If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
• Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
• Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
• Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
• Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
• It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
• Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
• The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing  question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.